A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, youve given not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way? The lawyer replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Embarrassed, the director mumbled, Umno. Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. Or that my sisters husband died in a car accident, the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, leaving her penniless with three children?! The humiliated director said simply, I had no idea So if I dont give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. I've never been better! he boasted. I've got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that? The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened? the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No. The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him! Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear. Replied the doctor, Thats kind of what I'm getting at.
One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door. The man says, Well, give me some examples. The lady explains, Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and cant seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isnt for me either. Then she said, How do you unlock your door? The man answered, Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. Now listen carefully, the serviceman told the homeowner. Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs! Got it. the homeowner replied. But what's the shotgun for? If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, said the serviceman, shoot the Chihuahua.
One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil Satan: Why so glum? Guy: Why do you think? Im in hell! Satan: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you dont have to worry about hangovers because youre dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancerno biggie, youre already dead, remember? Guy: Wow thats awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, youre dead anyway. What about drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You dont mean Satan: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crackor smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, youre dead, who cares?!?!?! Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No Satan: OooohYoure gonna HATE Fridays.
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